Hey, guys. I have a little secret. I’m a virgin.
I’m not exactly waiting for marriage or avoiding it. Then
again, I don’t sport a shirt that says “Open for Business” with an arrow
pointing downward. (Do they make those? If not, ™)
Virginity. It’s just kind of a thing that’s there until it’s
not anymore, like our memory… or our integrity.
It used to be that virgins were pure, wonderful goddesses,
worthy of sacrifice. Now I’m some sort of prude tease that “spends too much
time on YouTube” and “wastes too much money on Doritos.” Whatever.
Maybe I’m waiting for a knight in shining armor to sweep me
off my feet. (*Knight, or duke, or prince, or king, or breathing human being…
I’m not one to discriminate). Maybe I would like a romantic picnic on the beach
followed by canoodling. Or maybe, just maybe, I’d like the drunk fourth year
that’s been grinding on me to offer to pay for my 2 pound cheesy chips before
inviting me back to his grimy flat.
The point is, he hasn’t come (in every sense of the word…
too far?)
For those of you that are yawning at this point, don’t worry;
there will be lots of sexploitation in these diaries. Because despite all odds…
I have a few friends. (Not many, but a few.) These friends have lives, and
boyfriends, and tinder-fellas, and vibrators… but most importantly, you guessed
it: sex.
So if I can’t tell you about the wild man rustling my
bedsprings, the least I can do it post anonymously about their sexual
conquests, right?
I think that’s enough of an introduction. Now onto my topic
of the week: Dildos and Daydreams. We all have them. Uh… daydreams, that is.
I actually don’t have a dildo. Too many color and size
options… too much stress. I think I should maybe invest in one because
sometimes (frequently) I worry that I’ll actually find myself in a sexual
situation and literally have no idea what to do. I mean, there’s a difference
in understanding how everything operates and actually knowing what to do.
My parents never gave me the “sex talk,” and I had the flu
on the one day that my lower school showed “the birds and the bees” video. So
my education has pretty much been left to myself. In fact, when my mom first
handed me a tampon, I think my reaction was: “You want me to put that WHERE?!” (Full
Disclosure: still don’t use them)
I do think we all have daydreams… or sexual fantasies. But
alas, Jared Leto has yet to passionately push me up against a car and make-out
with me. Nor has Prince Harry purchased me a drink before whisking me away to
the VIP area of a club (I still don’t see why not.)
So, you know, with these thoughts tormenting our minds… it’s
only natural to want a dildo or vibrator. Just remember that dorm/apartment walls are pretty thin, and I’m pretty sure that you aren’t blasting your music
at random intervals of the night just for the hell of it. (Your roommates will
know too.)
Own it because according to YikYak (and I haven’t verified
this statistic) 98 percent of us are extremely sexually frustrated.
Daydream to your heart’s desire.
Xx the thirsty virgin
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